Plis Deh Jakarta!

These points are ironically funny about Jakarta’s own Soekarno-Hatta International Airport:

• there’s no way to get to it other than by road. No high-speed train access, nothing. Except if you fly in from other cities…
• there’s only 2 ways to get in by road: through the freeway and through a back entrance, and they are very far from each other. So if one passage is blocked you have to take a 2-hour detour to get to the other.
• the main freeway passes a a long swath of swamp. Yes, a swamp. Only recent flooding and global warming has caused the government to think about fixing or rising the road.
• The bus service to and from the airport is irregular at best. What’s the point of riding the bus if you don’t know the schedule?
• City check-in counters don’t get you squat if the roads are jammed all the way to the airport… which they most often are.
• You’re in for the time of your life waiting for checked baggage. I don’t know why, every one tends to try to get the best position at the baggage conveyor belt, as though as they want to get the first bag out.
• Fast food is bas as it is at any given mall, and at the airport it’s even worse at almost double the price.
• For a place where people do a lot of waiting, there’s not an awful lot of seats. And the seats that are available, have nests of cockroaches inside.
• For an international gateway to Indonesia, the lighting is like a beat-up off the track shopping centre. Lot’s of lights but bad illumination. But bright enough so you can see the cracks in the cement.
• You can choose from a multitude of taxi brands, official or non-official, but you never know which one will rip you off or take you on the scenic route.

Kenapa sih?

Mungkin karena sudah terlampau sering dan terbiasa mendengar bisingnya klakson, knalpot, suara orang berantem, suara orang ngomong di HP kenceng-kenceng, suara ringtone HP kenceng dan ganggu, suara musik kenceng dari kios-kios penjual CD dan DVD bajakan, teriakan kenek dan penjual minum, pengamen, pengumuman car call, suara proyek bangunan… orang Jakarta jadi tidak bisa menyimak.

Simply put: people can hear but they can’t listen anymore.

Benar-benar Memusingkan

Beha Bermotif Macan

Bilang-bilang ke Mama

Bongkar-bongkar Majalah

Bosan Berujung Mengantuk

Beruang Buka Madu

Black Berry Menyebalkan …. memang iya!

Bedak Berlapis Menawan

Bibir Berlipstik Merah

Banting Bedil Mainan

Beringasan Bila Menyetir

Bandot Berbibir Monyong

Bimbang Berakibat Menyesal

Binal, Buas, Menghanyutkan

Bapak Berbuat Memalukan

Bincang-bincang Malam

Besok Bawa Makanan

Berbicara Bebas Makna … seperti blog ini mungkin

Berburu ‘Binatang’ Malam

Bunyi Bergelegar Meminta …. makan

Botol Berisi Maut

Bakal Bikin Miskin

Berpesiar ke Bali, Mari! (pengen)

Bakso Bulat Mengenyangkan

Baca Blog Malu-maluin

….

Kenapa sih?

Jumat dan Sabtu malem suka ada sekelompok pengendara motor berkeliaran, rata-rata 10 motor dengan rata-rata jumlah penumpang 2-3 orang, ngebut, nggak pake helm (sepertinya pici putih yang dipakai sudah cukup melindungi), berselempangkan sarung, dengan bawa bendera besar?

Hey, I may be wrong, but what does doing anything of the below accomplish anything?

• burning tyres
• blocking up the roads and jamming up traffic
• spray-painting random government-owned vehicles
• spray-painting public facilities
• stone throwing (any direction)
• verbal harrasment
• and so on… there are so many ways to enact anarchy

Maybe this is what they should do (‘they’ purposely vague in this sense):

• instead of burning tyres, maybe burn fat?
• instead of blocking roads, maybe block floods?
• instead of spray-painting vehicles, maybe spray-paint your own and create a beauty contest?
• instead of spray-painting public facilities, maybe spray-paint your own toilet? Those stains won’t remove themselves, why not just paint over them…
• instead of throwing stones, why not throw… a party?
• instead of verbal harassment, why not verbal poetry?
• and instead of anarchy, why not stop being pointless and use your head? Yes, that thing inside the head too, called the brain – learn to use it.

Odd Jakarta Fact #492:
The announcement of a theatre opening before a movie at MPX Grande, Pasaraya, uses a large 2×3 screen stating ‘The movie blah blah blah is about to begin in Studio 1′, accompanied by the intro of Level 42′s “Love Games”. I think it’s been like that since the song was actually a hit.

(Pembicaraan nyata di food court sebuah mall Jakarta Selatan)

Calon pembeli: crepesnya ada rasa apa aja ya, yang panas?

penjaga: ada yang beef, chicken dan cheese.

Calon pembeli: itu beef-nya ayam?

(Originally posted by City Gal on Nov 17, 2005)

Kemaren ini saya ke Bandung, dan menemukan sebuah hal yang layaknya diperhatikan sama bapak-bapak penegak keamanan pengemudi jalan raya (eleuh, emang ada?).

Jadi gini, di Cipularang itu ada spanduk segede-gede tolol yang tulisannya gini:

“Selalu Gunakan Sabuk Pengaman Demi Keselamatan Anda. Pesan ini disampaikan oleh… endeskrey endebrey endefrey…”

Kalimat yang belakang gak keliatan secara mobil saya udah lewat dibawah spanduk tersebut. Lagiaaan, ditulisnya pake font yang bikin orang memicingkan mata dulu buat ngebaca. No wonder deh kecelakaan jalan tol itu gede angkanya. Secaraaaa… penyebabnya mungkin ya itu… terlalu banyak distraction yang nggak penting dengan desain yang juga gak diperhatikan dengan baik. Mo pake sabuk pengaman juga gak ngaruh kaleeee…

Tengsin gak sih kalo dipikir-pikir ketika ditanya orang…

“Bo, kaki lu patah kenapa?”
“Kecelakaan di tol”
“Astaga… ditabrak truk kah? Atau kepleset jalan licin?”
“Ehng…hh… itu… gara-gara baca spanduk…”

DUAAANGGG!!!

(Originally posted by Chibi on Dec 05, 2005)

Walau ia dikenal sebagai alat transportasi paling mahal di Jakarta, tidak bisa dipungkiri bahwa taxi adalah alat transportasi paling nyaman. Taxi emang enggak ‘macet proof’, dan suka aja ada hal2 nyebelin atau ajaib yang didapet dari naik taxi. Dari mulei urban myth supir taxi yang bekerja sama dengan perampok untuk ngejahatin penumpang, sampai hal-hal kecil yang sebenernya enggak penting seperti bapak supir yang suka kebablasan curhat, enggak punya uang kecil buat kembalian, dan lain lain.

Brand taxi emang hal paling penting. So far sih, taxi paling top emang enggak ada yang nyaingin Blue Bird (untuk pemakaian sehari-hari yaaa..jadi Silver Birdsih kagak masuk itungan buat dompet gue-gue doang mah). Sebagai runner up, Gamya bisa jadi pertimbangan,
soalnya dia masih satu keluarga ama Blue Bird. Berikutnya, kalo dalem posisi kepepet amat, Express masih lumayan aman dan nyaman kok. Sisanya sih, kecuali kalo elo emang jago taekwondo, mending cari alternatif laen (seperti nelfon temen elo yang bermobil terus minta dijemput di *nama lokasi elo berada*).

Tapi bersikap ‘branded’ dalam hal pemilihan taxi emang cuman berguna buat memperkecil resiko-resiko yang mayor. Biar taxi bagus pun, tetep aja ada hal-hal minor nyebelin yang enggak bisa terhindarkan.

Pagi ini gue berangkat lebih pagi dari biasanya karena ada meeting di daerah Cideng jam 10 pagi. Kosan gue terletak di daerah Tulodong, jadi sebenernya jauh tapi ya nggak jauh-jauh amat. Biasanya sih setengah jam, maximum 45 menit, dan enggak lebih dari 25 ribu perak.

Gue berangkat jam 9.30 dengan taxi pesenan merk *tiiiiiiiiiiiiit* (sensor demi kepentingan pihak yang berkaitan). Supirnya pendiem (good sign, gue paling gak suka pagi-pagi udh dicerewetin supir yang terlalu ramah atau terlalu banyak komentar).

“Ke Cideng Timur, Pak..”, kata gue. Biasanya, yang udah-udah sih enggak ada masalah. Itu kan area yang enggak terlalu ajaib buat supir taxi kan?

Mungkin karena udah terlena selalu dapet supir yang tau jalan, gue (yang notabene asli Bandung dan walau tinggal di Jakarta udah 4 taun tapi tetep enggak bisa
apal jalan) jadinya ya enggak terlalu apal rute jalan dari Tulodong ke Cideng. Tau sih dikiiiit, tapi ya gak luar kepala amat, gitu. Standrlah, entar kalo udah sampe di jalan Cideng-nya gue bakal yakin harus ke mana.

Anyway, si supir pendiem itu hanya mengangguk sopan. “Good…”, kata gue dalem hati. Gak akan terlalu banyak masalah di jalan, jadi sementara sang taxi meluncur, gue memusatkan pikiran gue ke hal-hal yang bakal gue kerjain hari ini.

WRONG!

Taxi meluncur melewati Monas, jalur yang biasa gue lewati kalau mau ke daerah itu, berarti memang si supir kayaknya emang tau harus ke mana nih, kata benak gue. Tapi enggak berapa lama kemudian..eh eh eh..loh..kok jadi kayak mau ke arah kota?

Gue udah curiga, tapi dasar guenya juga agak dodol, gue diem aja. Siapa tau si supir punya jalan laen untuk menghindari macet, kata hati gue yang emang lagi berusaha untuk tidak berprasangka buruk dulu.

LHA? kok malah sampe di Pecenongan? Perasaan Pecenongan ama Cideng itu…jauuuuuh deh???

Si bapak supir dengan pe-de-nya berkata “Udah di Cideng nih Non..”

“Pak..”, kata gue hati-hati “Bapak sebenernya tau nggak sih Cideng di mana?”

Si supir melakukan gesture standar orang bingung (garuk-garuk kepala), lalu berkata pelan “Oh iya ya, ini Pecenongan ya..saya kira Pecenongan itu Cideng…”

DUEWEWEWENG….!!!!

“Laen kaleeeeee Paaaaaak…..”, cuman itu kata-kata desperate yang keluar dari mulut gue, setengah nangis, setengah kesel, sepertiga panik. Jam tangan gue udh
tereak-tereak sepuluh pagi, dan gue ada di daerah macet, masih jauh dari tujuan gue, thanks to kedodolan si Bapak Supir (dengan sedikit sumbangan kedodolan gue yang terlalu gampang percaya ama orang).

Maka si Bapak pun berusaha untuk bertanggung jawab dengan muter balik (lha emang dia bisa apa lagi?). Sepanjang jalan, mulutnya sibuk komat-kamit “Cideng ya..Cideng…Cideng…” (apaan seeh? baca mantra kali ya dia? biar kita cepet sampe gitu?)

“Pak…”, kata gue lagi “Jadi Bapak itu tau nggak sih sebenernya Cideng itu di mana?”

Kembali gesture garuk-garuk kepala beraksi.

Celaka dua belas…Gak ada pilihan, gue pun menelfon kantor pusat si taxi tersebut, minta tolong mereka ngehubungin si supir lewat radio untuk ngasih direction yang bener ke mana ia harus menuju (yah maklum aja..penumpangnya bego juga).

Eh, si operatornya malah bilang dengan cuek “Ya suruh aja dia ngontak pusat lewat radio, bisa kok…”

KENAPA GAK DARI TADI????

Akhirnya, thanks to direction dari kantor pusat, setelah beberapa lampu merah yang diwarnai kemacetan serta beberapa kali muter kemudian, sampailah gue di Cideng pukul 10.30, dan gue harus membayar argo sebesar LIMA PULUH LIMA RIBU perak…

Sebelum turun, gue memberikan sedikit surat wasiat buat pak supir, “Pak..laen kali, kalo enggak tau jalan atau enggak yakin, mending ngaku deh di awal, jangan sok tau kayak tadi…”

Untungnya dia cukup sopan untuk mengangguk…

…..dan menjawab, “Iya..tapi tadi saya kira Pecenongan itu Cideng..enggak taunya Cideng itu bukan Pecenongan…*nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah*”

moral of the story: Jangan ngelamun kalo naek taxi.

(Originally posted by City Gal on Nov 17, 2005)

Hm…

As for many Jakartan motorists, motorcycles and their riders are the bane of existence – including fellow motorcyclists. Check these points and tell me if I missed anything:

• riding without a helmet
• riding with more than 2 people on board
• riding at night without turning the lights on
• going against red lights
• going against one-way roads
• although still waiting for the red light, but strategically positioned beyond the red light line mark
• riding on the pavement
• making all sorts of noises for no apparent reason (horns and mufflers included)
• unnecessary speeding
• revving up the engine for no apparent reason
• filling up any empty space possible
• never stopping for pedestrians
• never can wait in line – has to go ahead of everyone
• carrying all sorts of stuff while riding a motorcycle – 50 kg bag of rice, 2×4 m wood panel, washing machine, 10 m steel rods, television, computer, home aircon, 24 live chickens, and so on

Did at some point motorcyles get written out of the traffic laws?

Whether on the road, in line at the checkout counter, or queuing up for a Transjakarta ticket, or even waiting for the bus to arrive after you bought said Transjakarta ticket, a lot of Jakartans have a knack of cutting lines.
Even in heavy traffic the guy behind you (plus five motorcycles) always try to overtake you, even though they can see a mikrolet slowing everybody down. They utilize every light and sound tool at their disposal until they can overtake one car, then start the whole process again… and I won’t even start about the ‘cars with sirens’ (which will be relegated to another post).

Then there’s the mother of three who in the middle of taking care of her two trolleys of groceries and her hyperactive children, she still manages to jump in line in front of you at the checkout counter when you’re considering buying batteries or chocolate (I’ll take the chocolate, thanks). If you start to give her the look she just ignores you because she’s so busy with her affairs. There’s also the chick who only has to buy lipstick or tampons and just gives a short smile while cutting the line in front of you while saying ‘boleh duluan ya’. Yeah whatever! I can wait here until the cashier actually comes to me.

I myself even had an incident when in line for a Transjakarta ticket. The line was only 2 people long but this guy still cut in straight to the ticket counter, all smiles, leaning in just a bit to give money to the cashier. I said ‘Mas, antre dong mas’ and he only smiled apologetically while waving his hand to me. Tempers rised, but I didn’t say anything – yet. I just kept staring at him, dumbfounded by the lack of…. too many to mention, but when he noticed I was still staring at him he said ‘nggak usah pake marah dong’. Eh? You cut in my line, don’t even pretend to be sorry, don’t even know that it’s supposed to be wrong or at least improper, and I’m not supposed to be angry? So I said to him ‘emang kenapa kalau marah???’ while passing him. I was too pissed to actually make a fuss about it, so I ignored him all the way to my bus stop.

And I think everybody has a story of waiting in line to actually get into the bus. Even if some people actually try to make a proper line, there will always be some person who comes in the bus stop and just walks over to the access door. Then another. Then another. And another…. and their friends. So by the time the bus actually stops by, the line is screwed big time, and it’s every man for himself! Feet will be trodden, elbows will fly and the bus conductor will try (and fail) to organize the mob entering his bus. And when every does get in, everybody stays standing near the doors! As if there’s no other place to stand, even if there are empty seats at the end. So the mobbing happens again at the next bus stop…

Then there’s always the motorcycle or car which always tries to push ahead in gridlocked traffic, even though it’s actually people like them who made the gridlock in the first place. And utter chaos ensues, and even more chaos as if the traffic is stuck, the more likely people will honk their horns in frustration (or even absent-minded relfex to honk if the vehicle in front of you is not moving).

Surely a modern society like Jakarta can learn to wait in line properly? Plis dehhhhh…..

Tags: busway, transjakarta, antri, macet, traffic

Pernah nggak, lagi di lampu merah, beberapa dari peristiwa ini terjadi:

1. mobil belakang klakson-klakson padahal mobil depan belom jalan
2. mobil belakang klakson-klakson dan main lampu dim padahal mobile depan belom jalan
3. motor-motor sebelah kiri dan kanan klakson berkali-kali saat lampu kuning ke hijau (belum hijau ya)
4. ada pengamen atau pengemis lagi berdiri tengah jalan tanpa usaha minggir padahal lampunya sudah hijau
5. ada pengamen atau pengemis lagi berdiri tengah jalan tanpa usaha minggir padahal lampunya sudah hijau, dan mobil-mobil dan motor-motor di sekitar sudah berisik
6. bis depan masih ngambil atau nurunin penumpang padahal lampu hijau
7. bis depan masih ngambil atau nurunin penumpang padahal lampu hijau dan mobil-mobil dan motor-motor di sekitar sudah berisik
8. ada yang masih maksa nyeberang jalan padahal lampu sudah hijau
9. lampu belum hijau tapi mobil-mobil dan motor-motor belakang memaksa untuk maju terus karena ‘biasanya’ jalan terus aja
10. baru mau maju pas lampu hijau ada motor-motor yang masih berusaha menerobos, kadang-kadang diikuti angkutan umum
11. pas lampu merah, ada beberapa motor berusaha menunggu di depan garis batas

atau ada kejadian lain? let me know.